Exposed but calm, hurt but happy

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Gazing up the dark sky and I realize oh it’s full moon. That explains why the Halloween demons rose with oomph. The screams in the hippocampus are so loud that the light on the occipital lobe looks like a glare. The pain from the ancient times is creeping in. Too grown for a blame game but I want to blame you for all the sleepless night. Taking away the pleasure from it and leaving a quest map on my table. It hurts but not as bad as the withdrawal. My feelings investment is empty not because am selfish but because I have nothing left to give. I relate like a psychopath not because am crazy but I can’t go any deeper than the sharp hurt on the surface. You are perfect but not worth the task, at times you are too fragile and am scared of breaking you and sometimes you are too needy more than I can satisfy. At this point am sitting outside on a cold fall night thinking why did I wait this long. Yes I feel so vulnerable and naked but I feel lighter. I’m ready to let you go, forgive you for defiling the little innocent girl. I forgive you for grasping away delicate innocence, for controlling a life you did not care for. I forgive you for teaching the little girl ways of the world when she strived to learn about God. I let you go because you are too heavy to carry around. The girl from the Friday party forgives you for getting her drunk and leaving her for the foxes to feast. They all let you go because they are ready to move on. I scatter your ashes off this fall night so that they fly away with the leaves. You took a lot from me but I let you go because all this anger and bitterness will be turned to a buildup energy. I will build a  fortress of love a kingdom of praise and a monument of all the times I was saved from the claws of defeat. The journey just began I choose to stay naked and allow those with divinely chosen eyes to see beyond the ‘fleek’. It hurts to be exposed but it’s calming. The orthodox condemnation of trust in man forgot the only key of survival that no man is an island.

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Push harder or further

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The cry in your brain reminds you that you don’t need to work harder all that is required of you is smartness. Your knees gave up already you can’t walk and crawling ceases to be an option. They keep whispering about a light at the end of the tunnel but deep inside you know you ain’t going through a tunnel your whole world is dark. The silver lining in the cloud is the only source of light for you. Wincing your eyes at the only source of life you slowly flinch at the painful idea of giving up then you lie on your belly and decide to move on. This journey just began. I can’t allow this opportunity to live again to pass me by because I allowed the world to kill my dreams. I can always go back to sleep and dream again. I know I want a plane but I have no space for an airstrip or a helipad but my dreams a valid. I choose to push faster and harder. I won’t stop, I’ll move against the current until I get to my desired position. It’s time I acted upon the words of James in the second chapter that “faith without action is dead.” Believing is just but the ignition now you need to drive the car. It’s time I drop myself from the waterfall because I can use all the force I can get. I have to propell to greater heights. It’s time I gave the world a chance to see the uniqueness in my calibre. I’m a special species. Yes I cry all night, yes I’m anti-social, yes I don’t fit in but all in all this are my stepping stones to greatness. I’ll push myself through the dark times until I make it. You can’t speak greatness but act like you ain’t got it. Step up push harder and faster your greatness is waiting.

Push Test

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The trailer at times is more appealing than the movie. When your best place is also your worst nightmare. When your sweet dreams happen in a demon chasing venue. When the light gets blocked out by the darkness in you. Tears are too hot and all that is left is acid burns on your cheeks. They’re too much that they regular number eleven ain’t possible to bring up. Ain’t sure if it’s melancholy or despondency but the surety in the matter dictates that it’s pure hurt. The world expects your lips to be a constant convex not knowing that the ride is low on fuel. The battery is fully drained, jump-starting is in vain a new heart is desired. Hidden from the world are greatest treasures and wounded souls, no one wants the unpolished diamond. That doesn’t mean that the value is any less just means no one wants to work on the finished product. A Mona Lisa stored in the Pandora’s box. The pain is a little less than a mother in labor but a little more than a bullet wound in the head, the only problem is it never goes away. There a million triggers and infinity reminders of how bad it is and trillion agents picking on the scab every time it tries to heal. It’s not infected yet because a little vodka is used to cauterize the wounds. The mind is alert but foggy. Everything looks like a James bond movie sex, fight, power only that in this case it’s powerful sex because of a lost fight. Fast short steps ain’t effective no more crawling is the ambulatory strategy.

TO BE CONTINUED!!!!

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Catherine Anne

Deeper

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Deep feels far away. I can’t see it, I can’t move. My brain is holding my legs and my eyes are choosing not to see any further than the horizon. Why should I pursue deep? The quest has no tangible reward just a feeling of accomplishment. The hunger for more is beyond control. I cannot carb it, I want more. I don’t need the green pastures I need the shepherd. The still waters are too comfortable for me, I want a waterfall of His presence. They say still waters run deep but last I checked when you drop from the right waterfall, it takes forever to resurface or you simply are lost in the deep waters. In a contest that beats all odds the quuen rules the board, the pawn matters alot but he never gives any ruling because it’s not in his place to. Beyond what the world thinks and against all odds and sayings now that is actually deep. It’s not deep unless it hurts every inch of you in pursuit. If it doesn’t strip you, leaving you vulnerable then it’s not close to deep. If it’s pressing on the issues that you’ve hidden in your ‘secret heart’ then baibe you are deeper than you think. ‘profonde fait mal au coæur’ allow the pinch to really mess you up. Stay up all night, miss meals, cry your eyeballs out then when the sun rises explain to the world how deep feels.

creuser jusqu’à ce que vous touché le fond!!!

Catherine Anne

Faith allows God to show off

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I’ve been thinking about the story of the blind man in John chapter 9 and how he acted in faith without questions. The disciples stood there asking Jesus if the man was blind because of his sons or because of his parents but Jesus stated “neither this man or his parents sinned but this os for the works of God to be revealed in him.” God will allow you to be blind, He will allow you to have a shortcoming that holds you down and that is visible to the world so that when the time is right He will show off through you. This man was born blind, he never knew how it felt to see but he stuck up his faith on Jesus. He did not care what way Jesus used to bring up his sight all je desired was seeing. God glorifies Himself when we are in the peak point of our desperation, when all we have in our hands is faith. God does not want to share the floor with you so after you are done trying and you are totally worn out He appears. Siloam in this context means sent and in my study I noticed God will send you towards your miracle and restoration. This man gave up everything, He did not care it was the sabbath he just walked towards Siloam. The bible says faith is substance of things hoped for and evidence of things not seen (hebrews 11). The blind man hoped for sight even though he had never experienced it. Today spike up your faith so that God can show off through you. Allow God to surprise you by believing in him even when you have no reason to. Romans 10:17 main tip faith comes from hearing, and hearing of the word. KEEP UP THE FAITH!!

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Catherine Anne