Scars

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The pain is exactly the reason why am starry-eyed. The anguish brought about by the massive quantity of the ‘what if’ queries is unbearable. The pain of the curving blade squeezing out life vein after vein. Breakage of circulation from all existing and presumed arteries. You can’t breath anymore because with each breathe life slips away bit by bit. You think the eighth day of the week will be better because all past seven have been torturous. The 25th hour of the day can’t come any faster because oblivion is about to strike. You writhe in agony unable to grasp on the last straw the field of life has to offer. That’s how the scars happened.
They say curiosity killed the cat but I surely know information brought it back. We all want to dive into the deep end without reason just for the high that comes with the thrill but we forget the reactions of our actions. Each time they broke your heart you crept back to them because man oh man!!! the sex was to die for. Oh no they bought me gifts and took me out so I can forgive them for cheating on me again. Each time we try to patch our hearts together the pieces become sharper and they start piercing the deepest parts of our soul. The tiny scars that would have healed are now wounds that are so infected and are actively infecting the rest of our being. We didn’t walk away after the first impact we just stayed there ruining the little glory left in us. Walking away doesn’t make you a coward, it just means you are wise enough to go and assess the situation from a far. You are courageous enough to move away and regroup, this gives you more time to regain the lost strength and gain more muscle to wage war. The English man once said “madness is doing the same thing over and over and expecting the same results” I totally agree with this. The Bible says pray without ceasing but it doesn’t mean keep praying and waiting like a fool until God sends ravens to feed you. No! It means pray and if nothing happens fast and pray some more, if nothing happens shut up listen to God then pray some more, it nothing happens separate yourself from the pack and pray in seclusion, keep going until something happens. You have to change strategies to avoid scars that are avoidable.
A famous Swahili proverb says “Dawa ya moto ni moto” meaning the cure of heat is heat (direct translation) This doesn’t work for scars. Scars need to heal and after healing adjustment. One, identify the scars in your life then allow them to heal. The healing process involves separation, this is hard because you might lose friends and people close to you. Cleansing might hurt because as the antiseptic moves through the wound killing all the germs the pain is great. As this happens new skin starts to develop, the scars.
The scars are a reminder of the battles you have won. They are trophies of triumph from conquering conquests. Don’t let the pain or look hold you back. Let your scars become the reason you strive to be better and not your reason to be always wallowing in self-loathing.

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A letter to Mr. Me

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For the love of my life you are such a bitter pill, for the other half of me you are such a sore spot. If you can’t be there when the sun is rising be there when it’s setting. I know am aging like fine wine but you can’t store me forever. They call us soul mates but honey if our souls are tangled up with others then there are so many mates in our soul. If you are tied up with loads of the past what space do we have to create a future. I know am supposed to be a helper but I can’t help you untangle yourself from the Rollercoaster of the past, you have to be ready to do a solo dance to freedom. Don’t get me wrong am not going to leave you to deal with it all by yourself, in the meantime I’ll be dealing with me. I’ll make sure that am the woman in your dreams, the babe of your fantasy and the desired spouse of your prayers. I’ll be an answer to your deepest and darkest desires, I’ll be the reason you make a silent plea of praise to the heavens. As you go through the journey of being the man God wants you to be, I’ll pray for you day and night, I’ll encourage you every step of the way and I’ll be by your side.
      Before you get the idea that am angel let me explain somethings. I’ll fight with you and for you. As much as I love you, I’ll push your limits even your hard limits. I’ll probably drive you crazy sometimes and you’ll want to pull my hair out but even then I promise to find my way off my high horse and apologize. I’ll argue with you about some things not because I disagree but because the sound of your voice is music to my ears. You are to be my priest, yes God and me will award you a levictical office. Just like the high priests you are to declare and decree blessings over my life. You have the power to bind and lose things in my life. As you do this I’ll be humble at your feet receiving instructions.
       Am an alpha and that makes me stubborn but all this energy will be invested in proverbs 31. I’ll help you build an empire. I’ll be your number one fun, supporter and cheerleader. Babe I will be be you human journal, I’ll be there to listen to you vent. You will be my number one “girlfriend ” in times of outfit crisis. Don’t freak out all you gotta say is “jeez, OMG, you slaying it girl etc”ūüėāI’ll teach you all. I’ll tell you about all the hot guys on TV but don’t worry I’ll be there for you when you want analyze the hot girls. You are my prophet, speak to my future, our future. This is just a little of the fun I’ll have with you Mr. Me when you find me Mrs. You. I love you and will love you through this cycle.

Don’t Allow Anyone to Steal Your Hope.

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Dear reader today I want to engage you in my life for a little bit. I always thought that the ideology of ‘an eye for an eye’ worked fairly in all life aspects. I expected people to rub my back because I rubbed theirs. I expected smiles and love from everyone I was nice to. This being wrong didn’t hurt as much as the crushed expectations. Am cool with a broken heart because there’s always a way to get back stronger than before but if you break the raw materials of building back my fortress you are crushing me as a whole. When we take away people’s hopes for better days we take away their reason to live. Some of us like to believe that there are good people in this world but it’s sad that the so called good people have sharper claws than hawks. I told you am letting you into my life so walk with me and you’ll realise the reason behind these strong convictions.
       Most people are deep and they say deep stuff (deep being the analogy used by Christians to describe super spiritual) but very few people are deep in the Lord. They own two hearts one very faithful and the other wild and exposed to all the world has to offer. We just let God into our ‘holy’ hearts but the other side. Nobody wants to feel vulnerable anymore more, we don’t want to be bare and exposed before God. We want to savour what the world has to offer and still sit at God’s table and dine. If you want to identify lukewarm people they’ll quote scriptures even about their meals. On a personal level there was a time that I wanted to have both worlds and those are the times that I learnt scriptures the most. Don’t get me wrong when I say learned I don’t mean reading and waiting for a revelation or simply meditating, I mean reading so that I can have something to quote in my conversations with believers. I was so scared to be vulnerable in church because believers judged me by my shortcomings but the world happened to accept me as wild,silly and crazy as I was.
    The most scary bit was like I kept going back to church because deep inside me I believed that only God would granted me the peace I was seeking. I was stripped of my hope of being better. My Spirit was crushed but thank God my zeal was left intact. I learned the truth about salvation being personal. Nobody cares for you like the man who died on the cross for you. Nobody will be there for you always but God. You are all you got and you are all the support system you need. Never allow anyone to break you down, hold on to hope like it’s the last straw between life and death. Let salvation be a personal journey, just because someone is speaking in tongues and prophesying doesn’t mean they belong in your life. Jezebel was a prophetess and all she prophesied came to pass but she was using the power of the devil. So just quacks like a duck, looks like a duck it doesn’t mean it’s a duck. Allow God to be your closest friend that you will simply put your trust in Him and not man.

Vampire glory

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I have nothing, my eyesight is blurred by the races in my head. I know tomorrow is there but I cannot see it. Tears feel like acid washing away the remaining of my eyesight. Knowledge is the knife that is moving deeper and deeper into my heart. It’s scary when you know the sun will rise from the west tomorrow but it’s also breathtaking to experience and witness the miracle. Difference takes courage and pain is the motivation. To be the difference you want you must be willing to dive into the deep sea of fire, swim against the floods. If you cannot swim at all, if you cannot tango with the sharks you don’t deserve a spot in this race. Huh!! I know they say the battle is not for the strong or the swift but honey let me burst your bubble you better be fast and strong or else…. You’re supposed to grab opportunities as soon as they show up and not stop to pet them but run to achieve. I don’t have the luxury to celebrate every step all I can do is lift a praise as I go on in this journey. Don’t get me wrong, am not talking about physical strength, yes this important but my aim is spiritual. When you are too weak because God has allowed the devil to torment you the gym will not be an option. Think about it this way God just decided one day that Job is a cool homey and he represents Him well and so when the devil asks God decides to brag. “Yes Job is so great that you can do whatever you want to him and he won’t bend.” The devil really went overboard with this offer but God was so confident that Job would make it through that He didn’t intervene.
  Do you think if Job was was lifting weights he would have been to defeat the devil? He was spiritually fit, enough to persevere through the darkest and most painful scenes. The joy of the Lord is my strength. I can let the devil steal anything from me but my joy b is not a choice because as soon as he takes that am as good as dead. I will sing even when the lightning is stopping and restarting my heart, even when the fire is too hot. Just because you cheered the pastor on as he preached on grace and favor doesn’t mean you’ll get it. You don’t actually deserve any of it so you have to work for it and earn it. Jesus dying on the cross was for forgiveness but it doesn’t mean you’ll misbehave and get away with it, honey you’ll die!!!!!! For the wages of sin is death. The Bible does not mention survivors it just talks about victors, conquers. Am okay with you surviving from pay check from pay check, from doctor to doctor, fix to fix, last drink to the very last one and even the very very last. Oh am more okay with you surviving heartbreak after heartbreak, abuse after abuse, loss after loss, addictions and sins. But as for me and my whole self I will conquer it all, I will rise above it all. I know it’s hard but when on my knees ready to give up, desperate for my next fix, I’ll call unto God instead. I’ll get so addicted to God that everything else will fall in place.
   I’ve decided to bask in what I call the vampire glory, yes flourishing in the opposites. Darkness will be my light, fear will be my power, failure will be my gear shift,weaknesses will be my secret weapons and love will be my daily objective. In a misalon to get through this tears and fears stronger than ever.

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