Hindsight is 20/20

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The year is ending at least in another 30days I’ll be in the 17th year of this millennium . Let’s look back together at one of my greatest highlights.

On 31st December 2015 i was at a very dark place. I was struggling with depression in a way i never thought possible. I had made up my mind that even if i would crawl i would spend my last minutes of the year in church. I got into my car and made sure I had enough gas for my venture and i took off. A very dear couple to me had invited me to their church that night, they had gone from texting to tagging me the posters on facebook because like everyone else i ignored them . I hated everyone just for the simple reason that they existed. My family who happen to be my best crowd in the world just irked me with every move they made. I spent all my free time in bed hiding from the rest of the world . I gained weight not even from eating but just from being immobile. Work felt like punishment and i showed up like a character from The Walking Dead. My uniform was all creased and i worked like a robot no feelings not even compassion which is a very important attribute in my line of work. In short i was a shell ready to break at any given time . I know by now you are wondering what caused this and that’s where we both pull our lesson of the day.

My depression was not a gradual process, it was nothing medical (trust me as a medical professional i know) it was utterly and purely demonic. I woke up one morning and I  had lost myself…yes!!! all my dreams just ceased to exist, my reason to long for a tomorrow disappeared and all i had was a void. You realise your life is messed when even the most extreme negative measures are not your way out. I opted for a slow painful death instead of a quick fix with liquor or suicide. One single morning my whole life ceased and i felt like i had been dropped into an alternate universe. It’s really strange but also eye opening but my only sane moments were when i was in worship. When the Bible  says that David played the harp and Saul’s demons evicted that stuff is real. In this period i had the most magical and transcendent times in worship. I lead people to places i never thought existed but after all of it i was left void and even more tormented. I cried everyday for Sunday to come (yes I could not even get myself to worship alone because everytime I tried to even listen to a worship song i became restless and boderline psycho). I gave up everything i was pursuing and as if to add icing to the cake for some random reason my school cancelled my classes and my job cut down my hours. I had alot of free time to fight with all sorts of darkness.From fear of the dark (i slept with lights on and even sometimes kept them on during the day even though the sun was shining) to the fear of unknown. I was scared of everything. 2nd Timothy 1:7 when God says He has not given us a spirit of fear but sound mind, love and power He means exactly that. I noticed this was demonic when i was scared of even being outside, my brain was in a trance and i definitely had no love left in me not even for myself.  Thank God for this magical night as i ushered the new year that God came to me and opened my eyes to deliverance and redemption .

I had been a comfortable christian that i never saw the need to cover myself spiritually .  I felt untouchable but little did i know that as God raises you the devil is deploying his army your way. I was at a great place in ministry that I settled down and relaxed not knowing i was spiritually naked and that is when the devil attacked my very existence . This far I have come it is by the grace of God. Back to where I started . I drove for 2hours to the church i was invited. All through the drive i was in tears and the only words i could speak were “Oh God if you are real don’t let my life be in vain.” In the  church I  picked a corner seat where i had a clear view of everyone but no one could see me. As soon as the  worship began i fell prostrate  on the ground as told God I give up because the pain in my heart was too much but it was all baseless. I was bitter, angry and hurt and not for any specific reason. These evil feelings projected so vividly that i felt like i was floating in a very salty sea. This is when i realised that the devil would either kill me or I’d die fighting. I started worshipping in so much tears and my physical body was limp from fatigue and i even felt sick but in the Spirit i felt like I had just strength enough for one song. I raised my voice and sang a hymn in Kikuyu (Unyite na Guoko) FYI that was not the song in the church and i don’t even know this song even today besides the chorus but at this moment i sang it all including the verses. Slowly my body gained strength and i felt myself being set free. I was able to stand and do a praise dance (people were staring but i didn’t care because I could see the light for the first time in months) I may have taken long to fully recover but this night God Himself delivered my heart from the claws of death. As soon as i calm down God reminded me the importance of covering myself with His full amor as described  in Ephesians 6. The spirit of jealousy and other spirits that are so commonly used by the devil are the deadliest because they seem normal. The gift of discernment is one very important thing to have as a Christian because it allows you to know what to let in and what to flee from. Not every person who smiles and supports you is in allegiance with you spiritually . Most people you come across are spiritual terrorist who will bomb you inside out. They might never approach you negatively but behind their closed doors they perform enough rituals to end you. Be vigilant ,  pray without ceasing and stay covered . Still waters run deep, so when life feels too perfect pray even the more.

Until I realised that only God has power to save me from all other principalities i suffered. As a Christian allow God to cover you at all times. Sometimes our greatest wars are spiritual and not carnal.

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Hello diary.

Today was an extremely exciting day. I woke up early which is a big step for me. It was rainy and gloomy and sleeping in sounded great but i got out of my bed anyway. The first excting thing was that I woke up before my mum (she was up very early to pray then went back to sleep so that doesn’t count). She found me in the kitchen cleaning up and making tea. We had breakfast together watching a cheesy hallmark movie all covered up on the sofas. See i said it was a great day. I decided to have a nice moment of devotion before I went on with the day and that’s when God started to speak into my heart.

Wounds are painful and no one likes to deal with them. We all prefer the one time antiseptic cleanse and band-aid cover until it fails to heal or worse gets infected. Each experience in our life affects us and just because we ‘erased it’ from our memory doesn’t mean it didn’t leave a scar. If Joseph was not sold into Egypt his family would have starved to death when the drought came. Another way to look at it is; if Joseph did not survive the prison his family would have died too. Everything that comes your way has gone through God’s scale (that is if you have surrendered your life to Him) that is why He says He doesn’t try us beyond what we can handle . Just because someone abused you and defiled the very altar of God which is you, doesn’t mean that that’s all your story is about. As soon as you start talking of how God brought you through the pain and made you victorious  (Joseph’s testimony in prison) God will raise you from one level of glory to the next and everyone else around you.(God will cause pharaoh to hear about you and set you free from prison and will rescue the cupbearer with you too)

I’ve come to realise that we all embrace the illusion of perfection. The most troubled place is the church but it’s also the place with most smiles. We walk this  journey of salvation like models in a runway , broad smiles and shoulders high. Most of us are broken, wounded, bitter and even angry but we are too worried about image to show vulnerability . God cannot work through you if you feel perfect. God waited till David fell on his knees asking for forgiveness to start the next chapter with him. All God wants is you to declare you are nothing without Him and He will take you to heights unknown . You don’t need to fear shame because God promises to bear it for you so allow Him to expose your wounds as He heals them. Be a living testimony. Allow God to set people free from your life story.

So at this point I was already in tears because God was dealing with me at a very personal level. I changed my site to a public yet personal journal because if my life is the key to your blessings so be it. Am not perfect but God has always been faithful enough to show me abundance of grace. Am a coat of many colors and you may not understand all of me but pick a color tha resonates with you and walk this journey of life with me. Tears are inevitable but so is laughter so as much as i promise to make you cry, seeing smiles is unavoidable .