I am not so good with words in fact that’s putting it mildly I am terrible with words. I never know what to say or how to say it. Don’t get me wrong I have no problem expressing myself I just have a problem choosing right way of expression. In the times we are leaving it is hard to live this way because the world has turned into a circus of words where asking someone “how are you?” is a salutation instead of a genuine concern. I thank God each day because where I lack in skill He has made up for it in my heart. I never knew how hard expressing myself would be until I ended up being a nurse and expressing myself and other people’s feelings was all I did. Coming from a family that values honesty I never figured a time would come that I had to say things I didn’t mean just because it was the ‘right’ thing to do.
One Friday evening I decided to work the evening shift just because I wanted to be out in time for overnight prayers in my church. I was going through a very rough time at work being the youngest nurse (even though I had the vastest experience) and also being the only black girl in the company. At this time my mum had just resigned from the company so I was all by myself. I spent most nights after work crying and asking God why He sent me to a place I would never belong but all through this season all God said was “Times and seasons belong to me child.” Every single day as I prayed God would still whisper the same words. I got so bad that I decided to just make a rant and I posted on Facebook a simple status no details but everyone who knew me started calling and texting asking what was wrong. One lady who I love dearly called me after I explained to her how much hardships I was going through at work she said these words that I will never forget “Kay my dear baby girl the steps of a righteous man are ordered by God and if only you tapped into just a little power that God has given you, you would be praising and not crying. God has given you ownership of every place your feet step into so every time you go to work command that environment like you know who you are. Now stop crying and ask God to forgive you for forgetting that in Him you have what it takes to conquer” In that moment I allowed myself to see myself through God’s eyes and I marveled at how greatly the devil had blinded me. Everyday I went to work and I prayed over everything asking God to enhance my skills and fight my battles. It did not get better but it got easier.
On this Friday as soon as I was done praying ready to start my work one of my aides came and told me one of my patients was dead. I went in assessed and pronounced her dead then I noticed that the family was one of the nurses who were very mean to me. Instantly the devil started showing me as this was the opportunity to pay her back for all she did and be mean in return. I ran to the bathroom and cried to God and asked Him to lead me not to sin against Him because my pain and anger were getting in the way. God said to me “be honest don’t lie and do not say more than you should.” I went back out called the family notified them and asked them to come in. As soon as the nurse came in I went with them to the room and all I said was “I am here if you need me and I will go right ahead and start the plans for you. I will also make sure you have privacy” Everyone around me looked at me shocked and some even went ahead to say I was heartless because I did not do through the popular rant of “I am so sorry for your loss” I walked away took care of everything that needed to be done, I even went out of my way to make plans with a funeral home but I did not say anything else. I asked God if to go back and say I was sorry but He told me not to because vain words were not going to make me a better person. I prayed for the family and stayed quite until my shift was over. This was hard for me because I did not conform to the patterns of the society and God made me stick out as a sore thumb. That week was even harder than the rest, everyone was talking about how rude I was and the story had been twisted into a hundred more ways. I kept asking God why but He was quiet until a few weeks later when I found out why.
The nurse came to my floor and said “I’ve been looking for you. Thank you so much for all you did for my grandma. I know you had a choice to be mean considering how I have treated you but you did not. I know everyone is talking about how rude you were but none of them knows that you went above and beyond to make it as easy as possible for my family. I have no idea why you are not trying to justify yourself but all those kind words meant nothing but what you did will remain in our hearts forever. I am sorry for all I have ever done to you, please forgive me.” I looked at her and tears were just running down my face I could not believe how much God had used that one ordeal to teach me a lot and to bring my enemies to my side. “I forgive you and thank you for your kind words” Many at times people will always say its the thought that counts but to me its the deed that counts. Go out there and do good, don’t say words that you don’t mean and definitely allow God to fight your battles. Don’t say or do things just because everyone does them sometimes standing out as painful as it is means you’re right.
(This is a continuation of a prayer of a righteous man )
Many people would think that after my encounter with God and Kyle I would turn into a saint but nope! that did not happen. As a growing young lady in this writing I am going to present you with a few lessons that people do not address even though most people go through them. Just because I said no to Kyle that night doesn’t mean that the crush that I had for him or all those feelings I had ceased to exist. Every time I saw him my stomach did a funny flip and my heart skipped at least three beats, I still wanted this guy so bad. Many Christians act like just because they are born again they never experience any form of sexual arousal, sexual thoughts or simply desires and urges. We have all become a generation that acts like Paul was lying or making up his own things when he wrote to the church in Galatians chapter 5 about crucifying our flesh daily. This is a man who preached the gospel of God daily but still understood that the struggle with fleshly desires was real and he needed Jesus to help him DAILY.
I never had anyone to teach me this so I learnt the hard way, thanks be to God for His grace and love for me. A few months after many awkward interactions Kyle approached me again and this time he had gained a little wisdom in his approach, he asked me out for coffee. In my head as the nice church girl I was I thought hmm finally he has seen my worth and decided to pursue me as the jewel I was so I accepted the date. One thing I need you to realize is that even though I was falling head first into the trap of the devil I never for one second forgot my worth. The coffee was great we laughed and talked about general silly stuff and that was the best date I had had in a long time. When it was time to leave he escorted me to my car and did not even try to steal a kiss he just made sure I was safe then he took off. That night he texted to ask if I had fun and we had a few back and forth texts and he said goodnight. The next morning I woke up to a good morning text and it had me smiling all morning. Around 10am I got another text asking me how my morning was and wishing me a good day. That night he called me just before I went to bed he called and asked about my day and listened to me go on and on about stuff then said good night. This became my new life, I even developed a glow and my feelings for this man escalated fast. He always remembered the simple things and always knew what to say and when to say it (what more could a girl ask for) After 3 months of dates and talking on one Friday night he asked me to meet him after work he had a surprise for me. I left work with a bounce in my step got home showered and met him at midnight. The surprise was watching star constellations. It was super romantic because it was inside a building but they had made it into a virtual scenery where it looked like you were lying by a stream looking at the sky. My mind was blown . I allowed him to hold me as I laid on his chest enjoying the scenic view as it evolved. I never wanted to leave it was just perfect but after a while he asked me to go to his place because it was getting late.
We drove in my car together. When we got to his place it was well lit (dim colored lights) and he had light snacks put out. We sat and as we ate neither of us could keep their hands to themselves we fondled each other and at last we were making out like starved rabbits. Yes I ended up having some really hot and steamy sex. I felt so guilty so I left right after and I couldn’t even talk to him after even though he kept texting and calling. (FYI this is a very stupid thing to do women learn to tell men what you feel after it all even if its bad) This man was a hunter and he got his prey and enjoyed the feast. He never even for one second lie about his intentions, he never even defined the relationship because there was no relationship. I was angry at him for me own miscalculations and blindness, I wanted it to be his fault that I sinned. ( just because I am a staunch Christian and you tempted me it is your fault. smh) This man had his own idea of what he wanted from me and I was angry because I fitted myself into his version forgetting that if any man takes God’s place or silences God’s voice in your life he is not right for me. I had to go back to God but every time I tried to pray I felt like God was judging me. This is a feeling that the devil instills in us every time we are seeking God. It took me a month until I read the verse in Romans 3:23-25 and I learned that not only is God gracious enough to save me from me but also I was not the only one who fell. I prayed to God and He was kind enough to forgive me and teach me a few things that I would like to share with you. Sex is an issue that is overdone by the wrong crowd but under discussed. Yes people have sex all the time or are tempted to have sex but because we have made it a taboo nobody talks about it. The silence is the reason why me and more people fall into this so I have decided not to be silent anymore. God has taught me a lot in this journey and in the next few articles am going to share them all with you. When you are waiting for the devil to show up covered in tattoos and piercings , he is going to show up as the sexiest being you have ever seen. Do not forget even God confessed that the devil was the seal of perfection in wisdom and beauty ( Ezekiel 28:12-13) Learn to crucify your flesh daily that it will not be the reason you miss God’s kingdom.
(to be continued……
Many people define pride as the feeling that you are better than everybody else which to me is totally wrong. You can actually be better than everyone around you depending on who you hang around. Yes there are people more intelligent than I am, prettier, more honorable and many more qualities. No one person has excellence in all attributes but one can attain excellence in all depending on the people around them or if the person is growing and the people around him or her are not. Most people are intimidated when people are better than them, instead of actually using it as a motivation we tend to use it as a weapon. On my 21st birthday I wanted to make a difference in the world something that I would look back when I was 70 and give the younger me a thumbs up. One week before I went into my mum’s jewelry box and took out a gold ring that my dad had bought her a few years before then. I tried it on and it fit and I took it with me. PS: Don’t take stuff from your parents. That Sunday I told my mum I took it and she said it was okay. I took the ring and made a vow that unless I find a man who makes me as silly as my dad makes my mum I will not even let them buy me coffee. On my birthday my friends had a house party for me and in attendance was my very gorgeous crush (or at least I thought he was at the time) They had all sorts of alcohol with them even some weed, hookah and all sorts of party pleasantries. This was a time that the choice I made would be the determinant of the rest of my life. I refused to drink or use any of those things and I decided to see if I could have fun sober. All my so called friends took the sidelines and kept telling me how lame I was for refusing their idea of fun. We danced and had a good time till the wee hours of the morning and everyone left apart from a few that were spending the night. My crush lets call him Kyle was among the people who were spending the night. Everyone went to bed and as I went to make sure he was settled in he said he wanted to talk. I sat on the couch where he was and he said ” I wanted to do this all night” and he came closer trying to kiss me. I wanted to move in and kiss him, trust me I really wanted to and my whole body was already thanking the gods for this chance but God’s voice was so loud “STOP!!!” I looked at Kyle and was about to start the debate with God of how he was more wonderfully than fearfully but I couldn’t. He was just as surprised as I was and he asked ” babe we can go to your room if you want privacy I just thought you felt the same way” By now I was right on the verge of crying because I never had to say no to anyone before this time. “God says no. I have no idea what you are feeling but I feel like this won’t end after kissing you. Every time I look at you I start undressing you. I imagine how well your biceps would feel, I want to see and touch your abs and many more things that I have extensively fantasized about but if I do this now I will miss a chance to please God.” As soon as I had my last word in I run lightening fast to my room and fell prostrate on the foot of my bed and just cried. I asked God why (yes I am well aware that fornication is a sin but I still asked) and this is what He said “Child if I had let you fall into sin tonight you would have missed the big thing you had purposed to do and you also would have missed witnessing by my name. Now that young man will tell everyone about it and it will save you from mediocre friends and suitors.” I felt so stupid I got up and sat on my bed and thanked God so much for saving me from a stupid mistake. When you pray to God in an earnest spirit He will always honor your prayer even when you don’t. God is like a speed governor, when you are about to go over the speed limit He stops you just before you’re arrested or in an accident. Surely the prayer of a righteous man availeth much.
(stay tuned for next episode)
Salvation has been equitted to a well rehearsed altar call in these days we are living. We have brought this concept down to repeating certain words without understanding the magnitude of that moment and walking away. This has led to some great downfalls as a church because we leave people with expectations that are not even Biblical. Salvation does not mean that your life is going to be great with no tribulation in my opinion it actually means that the tribulations will increase. When I gave my life to Christ it was both a life altering moment and a memorable day for me. Born as a preacher’s daughter I desired to know God for myself in my own way. On this night a preacher was preaching in my school and through it all I desired to know his God. Through him I gained a revelation of how beautiful a relationship with God could be and in that precise moment I gave my life to Christ but I did not commit my life totally to the mastership of Jesus. Walk with me as we learn the difference. Yes I was saved and my sins had been forgiven but I did not give God ownership over my life. This presented itself because my ways remained the same and my struggles were the same. The devil still had me under his subjection because I did not commit my life to Christ. Yes I know this is confusing . (2nd Corinthians 5:17) As a Christian you are supposed to submit your life in totality to the subjection of Jesus. What I mean is your whole life is to be controlled by Him, your thoughts, plans, intentions, actions,everything.You have to cease being who you were before and become new [sanctified and forgiven and owned by Jesus] We as Christians want to surrender just some pieces of us to God but want to keep reign over others but as long as your life is not fully committed to Christ then the devil has every legal right over you. The commitment of salvation is a transaction between God and man. We give our lives to God and we become debtors to him as paul says (Romans 8:12-16). We cease to own ourselves and give up our rights to God. This is easily described when Jesus says that to follow Him you will give up your family and bear your cross, this means you are ready to lose all you perceive as valuable and even die just to be a follower of Christ (Luke 14:26-27, Philippians 3:8) So have you made that full commitment to God or does the devil have reign over you? I even realized that the more committed we are to God the greater the tribulations because God trusts you not to waiver in faith. Faith being a gift to us from God(Ephesians 2:8) Job had committed his life to God and hence when the devil went to God to petition over his life, God allowed the devil . God was sure that Job would come out victorious because God owned him and knew just how committed he was. God can allow the devil to torment you in any way but He will never give him power over your soul. Most of us live lives controlled by the devil because we failed to submit ourselves in full commitment to God. Ask God today to take full mastership over your life, all if you: body, soul, spirit and rebuke the devil and tell him to leave your life because our Father in heaven owns all of you. This is not an easy journey because as the bible says we die everyday but the best thing is we shall have eternal life rejoicing with our Father in heaven (1st Corinthians 15:31) . Be blessed as you meditate on His word. Shalom.