I am not so good with words in fact that’s putting it mildly I am terrible with words. I never know what to say or how to say it. Don’t get me wrong I have no problem expressing myself I just have a problem choosing right way of expression. In the times we are leaving it is hard to live this way because the world has turned into a circus of words where asking someone “how are you?” is a salutation instead of a genuine concern. I thank God each day because where I lack in skill He has made up for it in my heart. I never knew how hard expressing myself would be until I ended up being a nurse and expressing myself and other people’s feelings was all I did. Coming from a family that values honesty I never figured a time would come that I had to say things I didn’t mean just because it was the ‘right’ thing to do.
One Friday evening I decided to work the evening shift just because I wanted to be out in time for overnight prayers in my church. I was going through a very rough time at work being the youngest nurse (even though I had the vastest experience) and also being the only black girl in the company. At this time my mum had just resigned from the company so I was all by myself. I spent most nights after work crying and asking God why He sent me to a place I would never belong but all through this season all God said was “Times and seasons belong to me child.” Every single day as I prayed God would still whisper the same words. I got so bad that I decided to just make a rant and I posted on Facebook a simple status no details but everyone who knew me started calling and texting asking what was wrong. One lady who I love dearly called me after I explained to her how much hardships I was going through at work she said these words that I will never forget “Kay my dear baby girl the steps of a righteous man are ordered by God and if only you tapped into just a little power that God has given you, you would be praising and not crying. God has given you ownership of every place your feet step into so every time you go to work command that environment like you know who you are. Now stop crying and ask God to forgive you for forgetting that in Him you have what it takes to conquer” In that moment I allowed myself to see myself through God’s eyes and I marveled at how greatly the devil had blinded me. Everyday I went to work and I prayed over everything asking God to enhance my skills and fight my battles. It did not get better but it got easier.
On this Friday as soon as I was done praying ready to start my work one of my aides came and told me one of my patients was dead. I went in assessed and pronounced her dead then I noticed that the family was one of the nurses who were very mean to me. Instantly the devil started showing me as this was the opportunity to pay her back for all she did and be mean in return. I ran to the bathroom and cried to God and asked Him to lead me not to sin against Him because my pain and anger were getting in the way. God said to me “be honest don’t lie and do not say more than you should.” I went back out called the family notified them and asked them to come in. As soon as the nurse came in I went with them to the room and all I said was “I am here if you need me and I will go right ahead and start the plans for you. I will also make sure you have privacy” Everyone around me looked at me shocked and some even went ahead to say I was heartless because I did not do through the popular rant of “I am so sorry for your loss” I walked away took care of everything that needed to be done, I even went out of my way to make plans with a funeral home but I did not say anything else. I asked God if to go back and say I was sorry but He told me not to because vain words were not going to make me a better person. I prayed for the family and stayed quite until my shift was over. This was hard for me because I did not conform to the patterns of the society and God made me stick out as a sore thumb. That week was even harder than the rest, everyone was talking about how rude I was and the story had been twisted into a hundred more ways. I kept asking God why but He was quiet until a few weeks later when I found out why.
The nurse came to my floor and said “I’ve been looking for you. Thank you so much for all you did for my grandma. I know you had a choice to be mean considering how I have treated you but you did not. I know everyone is talking about how rude you were but none of them knows that you went above and beyond to make it as easy as possible for my family. I have no idea why you are not trying to justify yourself but all those kind words meant nothing but what you did will remain in our hearts forever. I am sorry for all I have ever done to you, please forgive me.” I looked at her and tears were just running down my face I could not believe how much God had used that one ordeal to teach me a lot and to bring my enemies to my side. “I forgive you and thank you for your kind words” Many at times people will always say its the thought that counts but to me its the deed that counts. Go out there and do good, don’t say words that you don’t mean and definitely allow God to fight your battles. Don’t say or do things just because everyone does them sometimes standing out as painful as it is means you’re right.